So dearest customer of ours, this is the treasure that has been so joyfully given to our possession and which we now offer to you. Behold the magical teapots…
(I think we should elaborate a little bit here.)
And I was just getting to the most exciting part, they can also hold the souls of dead people, now isn’t that just the most amazing thing.
(As long as you don’t mind the talking and clanking, they never do shut up.)
And if you fancy yourself a warm cup of tea, it’s interesting that each soul adds a little bit of a different flavour to it.
(It’s a little bit macabre, but you get used to it quite quickly, it’s not like that soul has a body anymore, so you’re practically doing it a favour. And if not… well take a sip of the tea and I think these thoughts will vanish right away)
Our teapots are of course filled with only the most quality souls you can find on the market. We wouldn’t offer you some backwater scoundrel scallywag to assault your delicate tongue post-mortem. Our souls hold class
(Unless you count the halfling jesters, but their voices are so funny, we have to keep those, I’m not parting with my halflings)
Jenny, we are businessmen, our customer’s interests come before our own.
I will find you some other halfling souls, funnier than the last
(It wouldn’t be the same.)
You are making a scene in front of the customer, that is highly unprofessional of you Jenny.
(That customer is clearly a very intelligent person and wouldn’t buy some dusty old teapots that have some stupid souls of some utterly boring and stupid people)
(Now why don’t you oh magnanimous customer walk with me to find something more suitable of your oh so fancy status, which you undoubtedly have, and which would look much better OUTSIDE OF THIS SHOP!)
But did you know that one of these teapots contains the soul of a dragon. True it doesn’t talk much, but the tea that it makes can make you LITERALLY BREATH FIRE!)
(…Horrible heartburn, worse than drinking bad alcohol. I would swear the tea has scales floating in it. And the soul is just cranky, only roars and makes the worst clanking sound even with the lid. Just horrible)
And what about the one with the frost giant? It gives you muscles and the guy is just a treat to talk to. Who doesn’t want muscles?
(Brain freeze all day long is what you get. Painful migraines. And the giant is more dense than Braxigor here, and that’s saying something)
Jenny, we can’t leave without a demonstration, the customer can’t decide without a demonstration. I will drink the weird brainy one and we can show the customer that it can hypnotize. Jenny come back!
*Braxigor’s voice fading in the distance*
(All right, It’s just the two of us now, so let me be straight, because we can make a mutually favourable deal. You ain’t getting out without buying more things, and there are some items here that…well…let’s just say that if I have to do one more demonstration with those then I may do a little demonstration of my own, one involving daggers, lots of daggers.
So let’s make it like this: I’ll show you some that aren’t completely useless, I will tell you the important stuff and You’ll tell Braxigor you want to buy these thingies, he will start talking, and I will give you a little bit of a under-the-table discount while he is distracted, capische?)
(Oh and if he suggests a demonstration, you tell him that none is needed…wait…let me rephrase: you will insist that none is needed, otherwise our doors might be stuck for little while longer.)